Party of One: Living Single with Faith, Purpose, and Passion

It has long been my dream to write a book that encourages Christians to discover joy and purpose in the single years.  With the insights of many friends and the help of a great editorial team, I am excited to introduce Party of One: Living Single with Faith, Purpose, and Passion!  Please join me in celebrating the release of a new book and the start of a new chapter in my life.  Even if you are not in the greater-Chicago area for these inaugural events, I still hope you will pick up a copy of the book for yourself or for a friend!  I love to travel, too.  So please let me know if you’d like to host a book signing in your area.

Wednesday, August 24 - Vespers, Lecture and Book Signing

Old St. Patrick’s Church,Chicago IL

6:30 pm- Vespers in the Church (700 W.Adams)

7:00 pm- Lecture/Book Signing in the MissionCenter (711 W.Monroe)

Parking is available in the lot across from the church at the SE corner of Adams/Des Plaines

Wednesday, September 7 and 21 at 7:00 pm

Two-Part Workshop and Discussion with author Beth Knobbe

Join other young adults for this candid, hopeful, and optimistic look at how to enjoy being single!  Discover spiritual tools for living a full and abundant single life.  Come for one or both nights.

Notre Dame de Chicago Church

1334 W. Flournoy,ChicagoIL

Sponsored by ReCiL Young Adults – recilyoungadults@yahoo.com and Reflect Christ’s Light, the Archdiocese of Chicago Pastoral Strategic Plan

Thursday, October 27 at 7:00 pm - Lecture and Book Signing

Sheil Catholic Center at Northwestern University, 2110 Sheridan Rd., Evanston IL

Party of One: Living Single with Faith, Purpose, and Passion takes a candid and hopeful look at how to enjoy being single!  Using the insights of scripture and ordinary people, Beth Knobbe shows us that the single life can be a place of abundance and joy. Party of One addresses the fears singles face, the assumptions people make, and the questions singles ask themselves.  Each chapter also includes practical and spiritual advice for finding happiness and contentment during the single years. 

Available in paperback or Kindle Edition, with an audio book forthcoming in 2012.

Filling the Emptiness

He has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty. (Luke 1:53)

I had such a wonderful time at the LA Congress this past weekend. Thanks to everyone who came to the workshop or stopped by the book signing table. Please continue to send feedback, questions, and comments.  I’d love to hear from you!

I heard a story this weekend, and I suspect this story is not uncommon. Someone approached me after the “How I Stopped Dating and Started Living” workshop and described how she grew up in a difficult and broken family. Without much stability, her single years have become a constant search to fill the void and find a love that her family could never provide.  But instead of real and lasting love, she feels lured into the hook-up culture, with its fleeting passion and false sense of satisfaction. She asked me, “Is true love even possible, and how do I begin to find it?”  

We all want to be loved – whether we desire physical or emotional closeness with another, a person with whom we can share our joy and sorrow, or being at peace with ourselves in the presence of another. These are all good things! And it is good that we seek them with the right intention.

The reality though, especially in our sex-crazed culture, is that selfish love fails to satisfy. We cannot demand that another person love us or complete us or fill the void for us. We objectify the other person if we force them to be “everything” for us or if we insist that they be someone they are not.  

Finding true love first begins by knowing that we are loved. We love because God loves us first. (1 John 4:19) God loves us as we are – whether we are in a relationship or not, whether we are ready to embrace God’s love or not.  We do not have to be perfect to seek God’s love.

God’s love fills our emptiness, brings us healing, teaches us forgiveness, and shows us what true love for another looks like. True love is modeled after God’s own heart – selfless, forgiving, caring, and accepting of the other. We begin to know God’s love when we surround ourselves with a supportive faith community, spend time in prayer, celebrate the sacraments, enjoy the company of good friends, and treat ourselves with kindness.

Psalm 34:10 reminds us that “those who seek the LORD lack nothing.” (Psalm 34:10) It is a challenge to know and believe that God will provide all that we need.  When we seek God’s love first and allow God to fill the “void” – only then are we ready to embrace another person, allow them to accept us for who we are, and experience true love.

Single Christian Ministers

An excellent post by Dan Horan, OFM on his blog “Dating God”. Check it out!  Vocation or Deficiency? Single Christian Ministers

Caffeine Free for 40 Days

Let the Party Begin!

I am excited to announce that this little project, known up until now as The Single Life, is finished and in the capable hands of editors and marketing directors. As of today, it also has a new title – Party of One: Living Single with Faith, Purpose, and Passion.

Upon sharing the news, my mom replied “Awww… your book has a name!” It was a rather endearing comment. When we give anything a name, it takes on a new character. Furthermore, in the Christian tradition, changing one’s name often marks the beginning of a new identity. Abram becomes Abraham. Simon becomes Peter. Saul becomes Paul.

Invariably, each year on our mission trip to Nicaragua, a number of our travel companions adopt a nickname – like my friend “Azulita” (little blue one) so aptly recognized by the blue streaks in her hair. Or my friend Abigail better know as the “Waimea Canyon Warrior Princess” after our hiking adventure into the grand canyon of Kauai. These experiences change us, and we spend the rest of our lives living forth from that experience or living into that newfound identity.

So, this little book on how to enjoy being single has been given a new identity. As I’ve learned, books also have a strange way of taking on a life of their own! I’m excited to see where this new one leads, what kind of opportunities will come my way, and ready to hear the reflections that this book will open for those who read it.

Thanks to so many of you who participated in a focus group, allowed me to interview you, contributed essays, passed the invitation along to a friend, and shared your single life stories with me in person or in writing. 

Someone recently asked, “What are you going to do now that it’s finished?” I quickly replied, “I’m done writing books (for the moment) and ready to start living what I wrote about.” For now it’s time to celebrate, and let the “Party (of One)” begin!

Party of One: Living Single with Faith, Purpose, and Passion is scheduled for release in Fall 2011 by St. Anthony Messenger Press.

The Vocation to be Single

Today I came across this great article from Christine Whelan over at BustedHalo.com that I thought was worth sharing.  I also get this question quite often, “Can being single be a Vocation?”  It’s a tough one to answer!  

For many of us “vocation” sounds so permanent, and not everyone who is single wants to be single forever.  Our vocation is the place to which God calls us.  Not all unmarried people are called to the single life.  Many people find themselves open to the possibility of marriage or religious life and remain single while waiting for their true vocation to unfold.  But there are others who find that single life becomes their vocation, when they recognize that God is using their single lives as a source of joy, fulfillment, and love for others.

It is essential that all of us listen for that call from God, and live our lives with a vocation mindset.  Our vocation invites us to respond to God’s call with a sense of purpose, an intention of commitment, and a desire to love others.  Who are you purposefully in love with and what are you intentionally committed to?  And how does being married or single fit into that picture? 

Perhaps we should also ask, “how am I serving God and loving others at every stage of life?” whether I am single, dating, married, ordained, vowed religious, separated, divorced, celibate, widowed, or dying.  Ultimately, our vocation is to love God with our whole lives and throughout our entire life. 

You may also want to check out this great article from The Michigan Catholic or this description of the single life from the Diocese of Green Bay.

Can being single be your vocation?

What Good Does It Do?

I got hit with a question that I wasn’t expecting this morning.  I was making small talk with a well-meaning parishoner as we were walking into Mass together, and he asked what was keeping me busy this summer.  I told him that I’ve been working on a book about the spirituality of being single.  And he responded with this question, “Why are you writing a book about being single?  I mean, really, what good is that going to do once you get married?”  

Ugh.  Today was not the first time someone has asked me this question.  When I first got this question last summer, I was rather put off by the comment and quite content to dismiss the guy as someone who simply “doesn’t get it.”  Needless to say, this question has crossed my mind more than once or twice over the past 12 months, but I still wasn’t fully prepared to give an answer this morning.  

I uttered a response that has become somewhat of a mantra for me, “Although I don’t feel a strong desire to be married, I hope that my heart is open and free enough to recognize the call to marriage if that opportunity should come along.”  Then I added, “The opportunity to write a book about being single is a real gift in my life and something I hope will be shared widely with others.  And if someday I do get married, I’m sure there will still be a lot of single people who can benefit from it.  It’s not as if these reflections will suddenly become obsolete.” 

My answer seemed sufficient and he appeared to be satisfied with my response.  I must admit though, as I sat down in the chapel, waiting for Mass to start, I could feel my eyes brimming with tears.  He wasn’t rude, and I don’t doubt his sincerity.  But episodes like this seem to call into question my whole premise of writing – that being single is not about waiting to get married.  My life isn’t broken.  Being single isn’t a problem to be “solved” or an issue that needs to be “fixed.” 

I was grateful for a gathering hymn that we often sing this time of year when students and community members are returning to campus.  We come as we are, with the gifts that each one brings – young and old; male and female; from east and west; single and married – all gathered around the Lord’s table.  And an uplifting psalm response with the reminder that “the Lord is faithful to all his people.”  Today finds me trusting in God’s faithfulness, and faithful to this little writing project, even in the face of those who might doubt its relevance.

The big breakthrough came later in the day when I thought to myself:  If a married person was writing a book of reflections on the joys of marriage, would someone dare ask, “What good is that going to do once your spouse dies?”   

I mean, what WOULD a married person say to a question like that?!  I almost avoided reflecting on this question for fear of offending a good friend who is a recent widow.  But I actually hear my widow friend reflecting on her marriage quite a bit.  Reading Wendy’s reflections, it is obvious that recalling the joys and struggles of marriage, their hopes and dreams for a future together, is what sustains her through unspeakable grief. 

I can’t imagine a married person avoiding the opportunity to reflect on the lessons of marriage simply because their circumstances may some day change. 

So, what good does it do to write a book about being single?  I’m sure many people who find themselves reading these reflections desire to be married, and some will eventually find themselves walking down the aisle.  Reflecting on the single life and desiring to be married are not mutually exclusive endeavors.  Whether you find yourself single for now or single forever, dating, engaged, desiring to be married, or content with your current status in life – I’d like to suggest that there are lot of benefits to reflecting on the experience of being single. 

I hope you recognize and treasure the importance of being a whole, complete person during the single years – growing in acceptance of your likes and dislikes, gifts and skills, career opportunities, personality quirks, imperfections, and positive traits.  I want singles to know that we are called to holiness at every stage of life, we belong to God, and our identity in Christ is what makes us holy – regardless of our status.  Being single has given me time to develop a lasting relationship with God through time spent in prayer and the generous support of a wonderful faith community.  I think it benefits all of us to learn the importance of forgiveness, both forgiving others when they hurt us and recognizing the need to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made.  I hope singles will embrace a spirit of gratitude for the many gifts God brings into our lives – the joy of friendship, the struggle of discernment, and the risks and rewards of falling in love. 

I don’t see myself getting married anytime soon, which makes these reflections all the more important.  The lessons of the spiritual life are what sustain me when singlehood feels difficult or demanding.  God’s gifts of gratitude, prayer, discernment, forgiveness, and friendship keep me going especially when I face long days or lonely nights.  These are also the lessons that have brought me great fulfillment and acceptance of the place where I am right now. 

It is enough to be single, and not waiting for something – or someone – else to come along.  But if someday I do get married, I think knowing these things will do us both a whole lot of good.

Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!

A friend of mine recently required some minor surgery for an ongoing health issue.  We had been out for coffee the day before, and finding myself with relatively few commitments that week, I said, “Please don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.”  My cordial gesture was met with the usual, “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” 

I wasn’t at all worried.  Like most single women I know, my friend is strong, independent, and self-sufficient – certainly not the kind of person to ask for help or be thrown for a loop when it comes to something as routine as a simple out-patient medical procedure.  She had taken all the necessary precautions, stocked up on groceries, and reluctantly arranged for another friend to drive her home from the hospital.  

The doctor told her to walk no further than from the bedroom to the bathroom – at least for the first 48 hours.  She thought he was being overly cautious.  Surely she would be able to get around her small one-bedroom apartment without any problems!   

Late that evening, I received a text message asking if I could stop by. Once home from the hospital, she found that she was much less mobile than she had anticipated.  As the anesthesia wore off and before the pain medication kicked in, she was feeling uncomfortable at best.  Hobbling the few short yards from bedroom to bathroom felt longer than a football field!  I was happy to give her a shoulder to lean on (literally), grab snacks from the kitchen, and provide a welcome distraction from the events of the day. 

Despite our attempts to talk about something else, our conversation kept coming back to what it means to be single when we’re sick.  We both agreed that it’s easy to be single when we’re feeling on top of our game, but there is something about being under-the-weather that is incredibly isolating and lonely.  I’ve survived food poisoning, falling down the stairs, and a face-first dive into the sidewalk.  A good pain killer might numb the pain, but it doesn’t erase the confusion and loneliness we feel after suffering a major trauma or minor surgery. 

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to ask for help, especially when we live alone.  As single people, we don’t like to be dependent on someone else.  Asking someone else to assist with even the most basic tasks makes us vulnerable, it requires that we show our weakness and admit that we cannot do everything on our own.  

 Yet, when we are able to let down our guard and ask for help, we often experience the love and care of God shown through the goodness of others.  Physical healing can be a slow process at times.  The spiritual growth that accompanies our physical healing may include an increase in faith, a deepening of prayer, and a greater willingness to surrender those things which are beyond our control.  Ultimately, we are reminded that God heals all of our ailments from broken bones to a broken heart. 

When I cried out, you answered; you strengthened my spirit.  (Psalm 138:3)

Leaving a Legacy

“She speaks with authority because she speaks from the heart.”

I stumbled upon this quote posted on a student’s Facebook page.  Christina is a budding journalist, talented in her own right, who has much to teach me as a writer.  As a freshman in college, she told me that she loved journalism because it gives her the privilege of hearing people’s stories and sharing them with the world.  Today this rising senior is spending the summer at a major metropolitan newspaper, about to make her mark on the world.  I saw the quote while reading a story that she recently wrote about the plight of immigrants in Chicago.  Several times this spring, she recalled a serendipitous meeting with “Jorge” a teenager from Guatemala, who she profiled for her reporting class.  I find her profile stories especially moving, because she always strives to preserve people’s dignity while recounting their ability to overcome great obstacles.  She speaks with authority because she speaks from the heart. 

I don’t know when or why or under what circumstances Christina posted that quote onto her Facebook page.  Perhaps I’m giving myself too much credit for this, but that exact same quote is scribbled onto a pink post-it note stuck to the wall above my desk.  It was a comment from a wonderful mentor during our final performance evaluation conversation at the completion of my internship nearly five years ago.  A few months back, just as I was beginning this project on the Single Life, I remembered his encouraging words and prominently placed them within eyesight of my writing space.  As one of our spring retreat leaders, Christina consequently spent a lot of time in my office.  I suspect that quote made it from my office wall to her Facebook page, but only after it struck a chord in her heart.  

It is not the first time a student has quoted something that they found on my desk, repeated a phrase that I used in a retreat talk, or cited one of our late night conversations.  This week, stumbling upon that Facebook quote takes on a bit more significance.  It is Senior Week at Northwestern, and graduation takes place in less than 3 days.  As we prepare to bid farewell to our graduates, I’m struck by the all too familiar lump in my throat and heavy hearted feeling in my chest. 

Unlike a lot of single women, I will admit that I’ve never had a strong desire to have children of my own.  I may never know the same sense of pride that a parent feels or the kind of hurt and heartache that a parent endures.  However, there are days when I wonder what legacy I will leave behind.  Who or what will carry on when I am gone?

I’m encouraged by several students who have stopped by my office this week to talk.  Each year I lead a service trip to Nicaragua, and one of our students is returning there to volunteer this summer.  Another dropped off a copy of a final paper for which I was interviewed.  Two weeks ago, I watched with pride as students from our confirmation class stood at the altar of Holy Name Cathedral to be sealed with the gifts of the Holy Spirit.  More than a few teary-eyed seniors have stopped by this week to say “thanks” for lessons learned these past four years. 

As I watch another class of students graduate, I am reminded that my presence here makes a difference, and I see the many ways that God has poured forth new life through our time together.  One of the keys to a fulfilling single life is that we take time to identify and celebrate the many ways, with or without children, that we create new life and leave a legacy for those who follow us.

Where is new life coming forth from your work and your place in the world?

Beating the Birthday Blues

The other night, I attended an impromptu birthday dinner with a friend.  Her family was out of town and I had a rare evening off, so we enjoyed a fabulous dinner at our favorite restaurant.  Midway through dinner, she raised a characteristic concern of many single people.

What do you do when you find yourself in that “funky” space?  We’ve all been there.  Whether it is a significant birthday spent alone, a bit of post-holiday blues, or a bad day at work that sends us into the throws of a pity party.  Why me?  Why am I still single?  Why can’t I find someone?  Haven’t we all blamed a bad day on our lack of a significant other?  My married friends would be the first to say that marriage is not a cure for loneliness, nor does a relationship exempt us from the blahs. 

My single friend admitted spending a better part of the day in a funk and was finding it particularly difficult to take joy in the kind words of strangers, friends, and co-workers who bid her a happy birthday.  “How do you do it?” she asked.  “How does being single not depress you?” 

I was a bit stumped for big insights.  I try to live in the moment, take joy in everyday simplicities, and be kind to myself as much as possible.  Every day is a day worth celebrating!  I’ve learned to place a little less hype on any one particular day even birthdays, holidays, or special anniversaries.  Sure, I make plans to spend the holidays with family and enjoy a celebratory night out with friends.  But as much as possible, I try to let go of the results and not force the day to be spectacular.  Our best days and most significant moments in life are usually not planned in advance. The day is not a failure if I don’t walk away feeling blissfully aglow.

Gratitude in all things, big and small, goes a long way toward a sense of contentment in life.  I was particularly grateful to be spending that day with my friend, celebrating her birthday, and catching up on our way too busy lives.  I have to admit, though, my answer to her question felt somewhat trite … until today. 

For reasons that are too personal to disclose in a public blog, I found myself in that funky space. It had nothing to do with being single, but I often wonder if I would feel less alone in my daily struggles if there was a significant other in the picture.  As the day draws near the end, it’s worth pausing to ask “How did I make it through the day?”  And would my experience today somehow change the answer I gave the other night. 

Someone recently told me that if you need to throw a pity party, it should last no more than 10 minutes.  Give yourself permission to have a good, long cry, then pick yourself up and get on with your day. Luckily, I had the morning off work which allowed me to dilly dally around the house a little more than usual.  As much as I wanted to ignore my own honey-do list, the laundry absolutely could not wait another day!  In between trips to the laundry room I spent a little more time than usual sitting in my favorite chair, writing in my journal, and reflecting on how I got here.  As much as possible, I tried to stay busy without completely neglecting my own emotions.  It is what 12-step followers refer to as “acting as if” or “fake it until you make it”.   

At the end of the day, as difficult as the day was, I lift up a prayer of gratitude.  As I paid attention and consciously tried to live in the moment throughout the day, there are many things for which to give thanks.  I am grateful for the kindness of a co-worker, a long conversation with one of my students, and hearing someone affirm, “you’re really good at what you do.”  I am reminded that there will be good days and bad days, average days and extraordinary days.  My single status doesn’t cause them to occur or increase their frequency.

It is a real blessing when our best days coincide with a birthday or other special event. Gratitude puts our difficult days into perspective and makes those special days even more memorable.  And for the record, I’m feeling much better tonight than when I reluctantly rolled out of bed this morning. 

I wish you happy and healthy days, today and always. 

“For I will refresh the weary soul; every soul that languishes I will replenish.”  (Jeremiah 31: 25)